Motherhood Musings: The Resentment Reframe

I've had many many thoughts about resentment in motherhood. I think it is the dark underbelly of becoming a mother. As I've mentioned in previous blogs there is such a deep identity shift when you becoming a mom, and this can lead to some heavy feelings at how your life has changed. You will love your baby so incredibly much and will truly understand what unconditional love is and you can also feel unmoored in your life and struggle with the transition.

If we aren't mindful of it though, resentment can creep in and blanket over our lives. Peeling back the resentment is like peeling back a scab over a festering wound. All of the gooey feelings underneath the resentment scab like frustration, hurt, sadness, and disappointment can weep freely from the wound, leaving behind a space ready for healing. This healing allows room for empathy and love. As a mom I was covered in resentment scabs. Slowly one by one I have removed the scabs, actually felt my feelings and let them fade away, and moved on to a healthier place. Let me clear, this was a process that has taken years.

I wanted to be able to embrace my life head on without feeling like I'm just getting tossed around in the waves with no choice about how my life is going. In the thick of my emotional flailings and motherhood flounderings I sometimes wondered at my capacity to be the mother that I wanted to be. On one hand, my kids were fed, clothed, bathed, had a home and toys and friends. But on the other, they had a mom who would rage in a split second. I couldn't help but feel like I had something similar to bipolar disorder, being fine one moment and raging at my toddler the next. What good was it if I could keep my home clean and make nutritious meals if I couldn't show up from an emotionally mature place for my kids? That is, at the end of the day, what I believe matters more. The effects that an emotionally available mother has on a developing child's brain is more far-reaching than a PB&J with apple slices for supper.

I had to start by listening to my smaller feelings before they turned into bigger feelings. This meant actually saying something was bothering me, instead of pretending it wasn't. Or out loud saying "I am tired today, my energy levels are lower, and that's okay". Acknowledging it helped me give perspective and also give myself grace. I had to admit to myself sometimes too when I wasn't okay and that telling someone wasn't going to lead to them taking away my kids (one of my greatest fears if I told someone my struggle). I could get all the reassurance in the world from my husband that I was a great mom but I always had an underlying fear that I was somehow messing my kids up. I think this fear came because I knew I wasn't actually living in alignment with my values as a mother, and because I knew I had some heavy emotional work to do.

It took little steps of acknowledging my feelings over and over again.

It took me realizing that I have a choice each day in how I show up for my kids instead of feeling like life is just happening to me (see ya, victim mentality).

It also took me getting off of social media more often.

Social media is a blessing and a curse. We have such a wealth of information at our fingertips AND every person on there has an opinion to share. I found myself going down rabbit holes of being resentful. I found myself comparing to other moms who posted about how much they loved motherhood and their perfect pictures of their perfect life. I found myself getting angry at my husband for how much of a mental load I had in our home.

I can recognize that life can be hard, I won't always be in a great mood with my kids, I might have a lot on my plate at home, and I can have a healthy mindset about it all. I embraced the fact that having kids meant doing some of the hardest internal work I have done. It took repetition of being triggered and interrupting my response to the trigger with behavior that felt healthier and more in alignment. Our kids are great mirrors for our own nervous systems.

I also quit consuming content that complained about the mental load of being a mom. It was leading me to being resentful at all the things that being a mother entailed - planning the meals, grocery shopping, making the meals, cleaning the house, laundry, keeping up on kids clothes as they grew, swapping out for season changes, doctor appointments, school activities, the list goes on and on. I didn't feel validated for the work I was doing at home when I watched these Instagram reels and read these posts. Instead I felt angry and frustrated at how much was on my mind and how much I had to do, which trickled into how I interacted with my husband and my kids. Women have the super power of being able to hold capacity for multiple tasks at one time. I could probably write a whole blog on the mental load of motherhood :) I think where social media gets it wrong is that while its attempting to validate the burnout of being a mom, it doesn't offer any solutions.

Instead I think how lucky I am that I have a home that I get to clean, clothes I get to wash, kids I get to take care of and clean up after, and a husband who I can lean on each day. Focusing on gratitude in hard seasons also helps to keep the resentment away. You may be scoffing at me as you read this, but please hear me when I say I had an extremely hard time initially when I first started to do this reframe. I felt like I was being fake or exhibiting toxic positivity. As I mentioned earlier, its not pretending everything is okay. It is instead having space for the hard things and the good things at the same exact time. Your brain is absolutely capable of this.

You are so capable of this, and in case no one has told you lately, you are doing a great job!

If this blog resonated with you, please let me know! Writing my thoughts here sometimes feels like I am shouting into the void, so if you read this and have any kind of feedback (good, bad, or otherwise), please share!