Motherhood Musings: The Identity Shift

An age old question that many mothers ask each other and themselves is - what number kids was the hardest transition? 0-1? 1-2? 3? 5?

My answer when clients have asked me this question is long winded! It usually goes something like this: each number is a different transition. Going from 0 to 1 was a complete identity shift in becoming a mother. Going from 1-2 was a logistical shift. As our family has grown in number, each new baby is always an adjustment for everyone in the family. Adding in our fourth baby was probably the busiest I felt, for a number of reasons. Maybe I'll tell that story in a later blog :)

I wanted to talk about the identity shift that happens with your first baby. Stepping into this new role brings many feelings. There's so much love, and overwhelm, and softness, and newness. I loved my baby. I knew this in my bones. And, I had so much anxiety around the shift in who I now was in the world. I had my first baby while I was in chiropractic school. She was born right before Christmas break, so we had the first four weeks to just love on her and enjoy being a family of 3. I went back to school part time for the winter quarter. This change in my school routine unexpectedly took some adjusting to. I was no longer on the same track as my classmates after being in all the same classes for the last year and a half. I felt "behind". As a type A/overachiever kind of person, this was an uncomfortable place to be. Much of my day was now spent taking care of my baby, who thankfully was a happy, content baby, but it was so unlike any other role in my life.

I knew what to do as a student. I knew how to study the material and the rhythm of a day of classes. This was all familiar to me. Motherhood felt equal parts strange and familiar. Instinctively, as a mother I knew how to care for my baby and recognizes her needs. The strangeness came from being needed by someone 24/7 in a way that I had never been needed before. Breastfeeding around the clock. Tasks taking longer than before due to baby interruptions. Getting out the door anywhere required planning and extra paraphernalia.

I also struggled with intrusive thoughts and irrational fears and anxiety. We lived underneath the flight patterns for both Oakland and San Francisco airports. The sound of the airplane engines overhead would trigger a split second of fear that the plane was going to crash on our apartment. I am also a very nervous flier which is likely where this fear stemmed from. Flights went over our house every 15 minutes though, so as you can imagine, I was pretty on edge most of the day. I was also scared of being by knives and of accidentally dropping her over the railing of our balcony. To top it all off, I was scared to tell anybody these things for fear that they would say I was an unfit mother and that how dare I think these thoughts.

It took about 4 months of restlessness, a spinning mind, and difficulty sleeping before I broke down in one of my professor's offices and told her I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I just knew that something wasn't right because I didn't feel like me anymore. She very kindly listened, gave me encouragement and advice, and a hug. About a week later, after opening up to her and telling my husband what was going on too, I started to feel better. I also started taking a probiotic at her recommendation, because gut health impacts brain health.

With each baby since, I now know that I might have intrusive thoughts and/or anxieties. I also know that they are not a part of who I am. I view them as a foreign thing and when I speak them out loud to someone I love and trust, it's like it removes it from my brain. This removal separates it from me, and I no longer feel like a crazy person.

One in five women will go through some kind of perinatal mood disorder. If you are struggling with the transition of having a baby, you are NOT ALONE. I cannot emphasize that enough. That voice that is telling you that you are somehow doing it wrong, or you are crazy, or you are an unfit mother is a liar. I share my story because I want to you know that you are not alone and there are many, many other women who likely are going through whatever struggle you are enduring right now too.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you need space to talk through whatever is on your mind. I am always here with a listening ear and a hug if you need it.