Motherhood Musings: The Mental Load

Did I remember to schedule that appointment? What food is in the cupboard? I should probably go grocery shopping - do I need to go to both the grocery store and Costco? What should we have for supper next week? Oh yeah, there is a birthday party next weekend too, what should we get for a gift? How can I fit a workout in today? Did I miss a message from the teacher? When is the Christmas program again? Have I even drank water today? and on, and on, and on the mental list goes!

It can be exhausting to write it all out. And also, it's pretty amazing just how much information we can keep up with in our minds too! I joke to my husband that I have 19 tabs open in my mind and one of them is playing music at all times. There's a lot going on! Juggling family life and running my own business has its challenges. I've also learned over the years that I feel so much better when I am prioritizing what matters instead of getting hung up on smaller details. It's been a learning process of letting go of some things, and honing in on others.

I used to be the person who couldn't relax if the house was a mess, or couldn't do my workout until the laundry was done. I don't operate the way anymore (usually - but if the mess is too big then I need to address it because of how "noisy" it is for my mind). I know how much of a difference I feel when I get a workout in. The laundry, the dishes, and the cleaning will literally always be there until the day I am gone.

I also write everything down. Everything. I have a wall calendar for each month, a markerboard weekly calendar that I update every Sunday, a journal for my to do lists, and of course utilize my phone calendar. Between those four things I keep up on what I need to do. It also frees up my mental space because I'm not worried if I forgot something.

There is a lot of chatter on social media about the mental load of motherhood. It's real. It can be heavy. It can be frustrating being both the manager and employee in your home, when your spouse gets to just be the employee. The age old question from husbands - "well how can I help?" - brings both feelings of gratitude and resentment. If you're anything like me, that question has sometimes brought the thought of "why do I need to tell you how to help? Can't you SEE what needs to be done?"

We've learned to have specific conversations regarding our household tasks. He and I literally see clutter differently. My tolerance for mess is lower than his too. Thanks to my brain perceiving mess as "noisy", and couple this with the general noise that comes with having kids, there are some days when my tolerance for the mess is extra low. If I want the tasks done quickly on those days, then I do them, instead of stewing about it and wishing that he knew to step in and do the tasks for me. We've also learned when to offload tasks between the two of us

After reading several relationship books that talked about the difference between male and female brains, I decided that I can either choose to be resentful and stay stuck or I can choose to be understanding of him and willing to work forward. I actually ask for what I want and need regarding our home, tasks, and my self-care.

There's a wonderful thing that happens when a woman is actually asking for what she needs and taking care of herself. You show up more joyfully in your day. Your spouse will respond in kind and find ways to bring more joy into your lives. (Try it! I highly recommend reading The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle). Again, social media will have you believing that motherhood is the hardest and your husband is the worst. Don't fall for the lies.

You are incredibly capable of knowing and doing many things, often all at the same time. The female brain was designed for this. You are also incredibly capable of having the harder conversations with your spouse about how you are struggling and feeling.

If you are looking for a starting place regarding the division of labor of parenting and adulting in your home, I have heard great things about the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.