Motherhood Musings: To the Mother in the Trenches, I See You

Lately in the office the topic with my mom clients has been how do we regulate ourselves to show up better for our kids? When life is overwhelming, or you're in a hard season, or maybe you just are having a rough day, it can be so difficult to respond with patience, empathy, and playfulness.

It brought to mind something I have thought of doing for a while now, which is putting to paper my experience of motherhood. I have loved writing since I was young and as I go through life, writing my thoughts down has been a source of peace and clarity. I plan to write a new series of blogs about the past seven years of becoming a mother. It's an ongoing journey and one that will never be complete until the end of my days.

The toddler years rocked me. I cannot emphasize that enough. I was not prepared for how incredibly triggered I could get at my own kids. I had an idea of how I wanted to act as a parent when it came to patience, discipline, and boundaries. Turns out patience is a skill to be cultivated, teaching discipline requires planning, and boundaries require emotional strength. I had a LOT of learning to do.

Parenting resources on the internet were helpful and also created guilt. Was I ruining my kids? Was I damaging our relationship by laying down a foundation built on frustration, anger, and dismissiveness? I knew during the calm moments how I wanted to react to my toddler's big feelings, but during the actual moments I couldn't seem to tap into my higher reasoning and instead would respond with big feelings back at my toddler.

I sometimes wished I could disappear. It wasn't a thought that came with self-harm, but I did believe my kids would be better off if I wasn't around. I want to emphasize that I never actually put into a place a plan to go. However, I had my moments where I wished I could just be gone. Then my kids wouldn't see their mom, who was supposed to be their safe place, explode in such anger. I thought maybe me being gone would be less traumatizing than me being around.

I eventually realized that leaving would be the coward's way out. It takes more strength to stay and own up to the work that I needed to do. I needed to do the heavy lifting of my own emotions and take accountability for my actions. Ignoring what was going on and attempting to dissociate was only prolonging the hard times.

It started with recognizing my own needs. My needs were quieter, under the noise of life, but when I would dismiss them they would only show up again and again, louder and louder until it was blatantly obvious that I wasn't yelling and slamming cupboard doors because I was angry in that moment about something. I was upset because maybe I needed some alone time and my cup was empty. Or maybe I was upset because I hadn't had a quality conversation with my husband in days. Or maybe I was upset because I didn't get great sleep the night before (or the night before that). Or maybe the monotony of raising little kids was getting to me and I needed something to look forward to.

When I understood that I had to actually acknowledge my own self and needs (I know, groundbreaking stuff here), it defused my frustration and anger. When I paid attention to the other feelings like hurt, resentment, sadness, tiredness, etc it removed the heat from my anger.

I also got better at taking care of myself. I've always been under regular chiropractic care, but I also added in other bodywork like massage and PT. I started telling my husband about my smaller feelings instead of pretending I was fine and telling myself I was being irrational. I learned tools to have in the moment, like breathing exercises, singing, moving my body, and knowing when to remove myself from a situation before I escalated. I found people like Tessa Romero and Gloria Niemi, who have done the work and are sharing their stories and tools.

Even though I've done a lot of work to increase my capacity to hold space for the hard moments, to shift my mindset around my expectations for myself and my kids, and improving my emotional awareness, I still feel sadness and regret for how the first few years of parenting were. I am by no means an expert (nor will I ever be) but I feel incredibly grateful to look back and say I've learned a lot and my relationship with my kids and my perspective on myself as a mother is much better.

It's been a journey! It's not been easy but it has been worth it. To go from feeling like I wanted to just disappear to now feeling like I am showing up each day as the mom I want to be is extremely fulfilling. I still have a long ways to go too. I am here walking alongside all of you doing my best.

To the mother who feels she is in the thick of it in the trenches, I see you.

You are the best mother for your kids.